Columnist Jeff Vrabel despairs for all of humanity upon Paris Hilton's release from jail after spending just three days there.

Hey, drunken driving in now legal in California! Sweet. Let me finish writing this column, then me and my bathtub-gin contraption are moving West, baby!

On the off chance you spent yesterday in a coma or managed to avoid a television, the latter of which should qualify you to become president, sex-tape superstar Paris Hilton was released from her quote-fingers jail, because she is richer than you. Instead of the jail term to which she was sentenced, the princess will serve 40 days of confinement at her home, and by "40 days of confinement at her home," I mean "nothing."

Hilton was arrested on charges of drunken driving in September. She pleaded no contest to a reckless-driving charge in January and sentenced to 36 months' probation. Twice after she was pulled over again by cops; on Feb. 27 she was charged with violating probation, a large word to which she likely never learned the meaning.

And thanks largely to that delightful display of good behavior, she was released Thursday because of an "unspecified medical condition," and by "unspecified medical condition" they mean "she's extremely rich." It's much like when actors or musicians enter rehab because they're "exhausted" (pronounced "desperately addicted to sniffing paint fumes or something") or politicians drop out races of jobs to "spend more time with their families" (pronounced "I was photographed in a Turkish bathhouse frolicking nude with the entire cast of 'Dancing With The Stars'").

There will now be a series of delightfully issued displays of righteous rage from The Media, the Gossip Media, which is not the Actual Media, talk show hosts, commentators and comedians, and all of them will be right; this is hilarious. All the actual-human inmates in actual jails will be thrilled to know that if you whine enough about the environment and have an extremely oily lawyer, you can just pretty much go home.

Hilton, for instance, was sent home with an "electronic monitoring ankle bracelet" (pronounced "not wearing an electronic monitoring ankle bracelet") and immediately helped herself to a morning cocktail and a process by which she washed herself with several thousand dollar bills.

It should be noted that whatever jail you're thinking she was in, she wasn't in that jail. Barbie was housed in a special fluffy cell meant for special fluffy people, a "special needs" unit of the Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood, well removed from most of its 2,200 inmates. The area contains two-person cells designed for police officers, public officials, celebrity pinheads and other high-profile people, but Twinkie had no cellmate.

After her first night in jail, or one-third of her sentence, Hilton’s lawyer, the extremely hilarious Richard A. Hutton, told the AP that, "She’s using this time to reflect on her life, to see what she can do to make the world better and hopefully, in my opinion, to change the attitudes that exist about her among many people."

Two nights later she, rather efficiently, brought them all back.

Aw, if I sound bitter, I'm just jealous. One day I hope to be rich enough to escape justice.

Jeff Vrabel is a freelance writer who no longer has any faith in anything. He can be reached at www.jeffvrabel.com.