For week of July 26-Aug. 1
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):
Buying those golf clubs for your wife might have been a mistake. Now you must apologize for everything you ever did or gum food for the rest of your life.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Alarming developments this week mean that withholding sex will no longer be an effective means of retaliation for you.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
The harvest moon in Libra means change is coming. You’ll find out exactly what that means Sunday afternoon.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
You will be beaten to death in public for ridiculing Barry Manilow’s greatest hits collection.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
Pain and despair will enter your life next week in the form of twin daughters.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
Your popularity at parties will get a boost thanks to your ability to pick up radio stations with the new metal plate in your head.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
The stars indicate that you need to be more sensitive. Try spraying yourself with Mace.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20):
If the stars’ advice has failed to bring you unending wealth and happiness, it’s only because you suck at life.
ARIES (March 21-April 19):
Earth magicks are strong in Aries this week, indicating you should really start showering more often.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20):
You will be dismantled and sold for scrap this week when the government declares the Taurus Project a total failure.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20):
Congress will next week approve the creation of a 51st state — Douchebaggia — specifically for you.
CANCER (June 21-July 22):
— Madam Sarah, GO TeamDon’t let the lazy days of summer keep you from completing your last will and testament by 4:49 p.m. Monday.